\ ˌpərsᵊnˈālyə, -lēə \

1: biographical or personal anecdotes or notes

2: personal belongings or concerns

The things the happen and the things that you connect to happenstance aka why I wont throw out a 12 year old golf ball with a sharpie'd face on it. 

This is just your typical blog about your typical lady living her dream in the big city... after a 2 year bout of agoraphobia (pre pandemic) coz it's scary out there. I had my first panic attack at 5 years old, followed by my first of thousands debilitating migraines. In my 20's, I found out my mother, while well intentioned,  drugged my milk with Ambien so I would sleep through my night terrors. Later, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, generalized and social anxiety, panic disorder and self-diagnosed with myriad other micro-brain chemistry and personality disorders. It's nothing I can't handle but definitely more complicated a topic than any partner thus far could withstand. I've had the pleasure and pain of crossing paths with men from many walks life. Ultimately I just want love. While I fail at that, I do attempt other feats to occupy my mind. Someday this may turn into a book, or a film, or it's contents will be stolen or forgotten. It should go without saying; reader discretion advised. or not. fuck it. I've been working hard at not talking shit about myself. I am a gold-star impostor syndrome club member so any thing I work hard for, anything I am good at, anything I love or that loves me- I'm skeptical of all of it - therefor a self aimed compliment is hard to come by and harder to believe.  I am in my 30s now. When I discovered I was an essayist, I knew less and fell in love more. I still smoke cigarettes but I don't straighten my hair daily. I desire so many things in life that I'm afraid to speak out loud. I'm not quite a witch but I know a few and I admire their power so I align closely. I am an actor, a director, a producer. I am a coach, a teacher and a leader. I am a loner and gatherer. I am neither defined nor confined to any or all of those things. I aspire to defy my mother's belief system and to indeed become an old dog who learns new tricks. I am guided by my 5 year old self - I lead with passion and desire,  make childish mistakes that have adult consequences. I'm know now I've never known what intimate and romantic love actually is. I am highly empathetic to everyone but myself.

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